Kathy Bosch, Ph.D.
Extension Specialist, Family Life Education
Assistant Professor, Family and Consumer Sciences
College of Education and Human Sciences, University of Nebraska

Be a father first, then some day a friend.

There are countless fun opportunities for fathers to re-live their childhood with their children: rolling on the living room carpet, building a tree house, playing ball in the front yard, going fishing, on and on. These are memorable times for Dad and the kids. But the fun stuff, as mothers know only too well, is just a part of the parenting role. If a father chooses only to play and do fun things, he isn’t being fair to leave all the difficult decisions, messy clean-up jobs, discipline, and other care taking tasks to the mother.

In order to do an effective job of parenting, fathers must be available to their children. Whether living with the children or apart, you can be available to your children. Let them know how to contact you when you are at work, traveling, or away. Set some limits but allow them to email or call you when they want to talk with you. Make time each day, or as often as possible, to talk with them about their feelings, school work, and friends. Then let them learn about you too. Tell them some age-appropriate things about your life and work. You may want to tell them stories about your childhood and family life or stories about how you spend your time away from home. Be creative in sharing your life with your children. They will learn to trust and respect you, and will know they can depend on you.

What, then, are the elements of the father’s role in the family? Here are some of them:

• Cooperate with Mother (providing mother is available and willing to be involved in the children’s lives) on a plan for how parenting responsibilities will be shared in the home, and when both Dad and Mom are satisfied with the agreement, follow through on this promise or modify it in the future to both parents’ satisfaction. A plan can even be made when parents are separated or divorced.
• Agree with Mother that the couple relationship is very important to the health of the whole family, that a healthy couple relationship is the foundation for long-term stability and the continuing happiness and well-being of the children. And live by this pledge. Single parents must also take care of their emotional needs and nurture relationships with trusted, respected adult friends.
• Work with Mother on effective approaches to discipline the children. If there is disagreement on discipline, discuss these different beliefs and approaches carefully and reasonably. Try to find an agreed-upon approach that benefits the children.
• Find a way to insure that having children brings the couple closer together and deepens their bond, rather than pulls them apart. Researchers regularly find that the intense involvement of parenting, linked with job responsibilities and other cares outside the family, often lead to a loss of marital vitality.
• Get support from Mother and others to assure that father spends enough time with his children. Raising children is not a simple matter, but it brings great satisfaction if parents are creative enough to find ways to realize this. Dad needs to spend time with the children, just like Mom needs to do this. They both have important things to teach their youngsters and both need to contribute to their care.
• Agree that a responsible father is just as important as a responsible mother. These roles are much more similar than different: both Dad and Mom contribute to the well-being of their child by providing finances for daily living expenses, each being responsible for the child’s safety, health care, food, cleanliness, social connections, discipline, teaching about important things in life, and many more things.
  

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Updated Jan. 3, 2007
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