Be a father who loves and/or respects his children’s mother

Kathy Bosch, Ph.D.
Extension Specialist, Family Life Education
Assistant Professor, Family and Consumer Sciences
College of Education and Human Sciences, University of Nebraska

Kathy Simon, family researcher, was fascinated by the question, “What makes a good father?” She spent a number of years studying the question and surveyed more than 700 fathers who felt really good about being Dads. Simon wanted to hear the fathers’ thinking about their successes in their own words. She asked them scores of questions and one of the most important questions was: “What is the greatest gift a father can give his children?”

It was assumed that the number one thing successful fathers would talk about would be something about enjoying time with the kids, sharing life with them or enhancing their self esteem by enjoying their company and doing things together. These were important pieces of advice for Dads to remember. But, research found that ”The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love their mother.” Mothers can almost instinctively feel the wisdom of these words. Fathers, too.

To be a great Dad, you need to be a great partner as well. You need to nurture the children but you must also nurture the children’s mother. When Moms are happy, kids are likely to be happy. When Moms are stressed and unhappy, kids will feel it deeply.

Even in situations where parents don’t love each other or live together, it is very important to find ways to
treat the mother of your children with kindness and respect. If you continue the war after the split, you’re not only hurting the mother of your children, but the children and ultimately yourself. Everyone loses when there is bitter conflict and retaliation. Your children’s mother must be included in your ‘circle of care’ even if you don’t love her. This shows her you care that she is your children’s mother and teaches your children valuable characteristics that will empower them for life. (For more information on co-parenting during and after a divorce, read about the Parents Forever Program on the NU For Families website NUForFamilies@unl.edu.)

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Updated Jan. 3, 2007
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